Friday, November 21, 2014

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Mommy, Day.

This is one of my favorite and most horrible mommy moments EVER.
It is my favorite because I can look back and laugh now and it encourages fellow moms. (I hope)
It can be worse and it always gets better.

My son was barely walking. We lived in a tiny two bedroom apartment in rural Iowa U.S.A.
 I had not one, but two foster dogs. A giant Great Dane and tiny hairy "mop" dog.
Hubby worked 10 to 12 hour days, so it was just me, the man child and my canine zoo ALL DAY.
I had been cooking that morning and had a gallon jug of oil that sat on the floor next to the fridge as our kitchen had little storage space.
  I guess I failed to put the lid back on the jug securely after using it, you will see what I mean in a bit.
My son was playing in his walker next to me at the computer. I was doing my usual checking of our ever shrinking account balance, paying bills and of course checking facebook. Facebook is the lonely house wife's connection to the outside world.
 In between my tasks I was keeping an eye on the dogs while folding and putting away laundry. Because I am a multitasking goddess like that.
I left the room for 2 minutes, the dogs were playing in the den together and the boy was in his walker in the dinning room.
I was humming as I put away the laundry and straightened the pillows on the bed. I was probably telling myself what a wonderful house wife I was as I kept our place neat and tidy for my hubby. 

Then I smelled it...

"It" being a pile of chunky liquid covered in something that no doubt escaped from an orifice, be it dog, man child, north end or south I still don't know. I do know the stench it made permeated my entire apartment. I also know that it's smell did not permeate my apartment fast enough because by the time I smelled it, I also heard giggling.
 "NO! NO! NO!" I yelled as I leaped over my neatly made bed and into the threshold that separated the dining room from my bedroom. I was too late.
The boy was playing in it... not just with his hands either. No, that would make this story not worth telling. He was wearing this chunky putrid smelling liquid  and rubbing it in his hair. He had crawled out of his walker. I don't know if he was out of his walker before or after the pile was made or if he himself did it. I just know I was freaking out about pink eye and weird diseases as a result of this nasty stuff being all over him and soon myself. There was no way around it. I had to pick him up and I had to run a bath. The little mop dog had also decided he wanted to play in this pile,  and even tried to eat it because he was just a disgusting little weirdo dog like that. 
 The Great Dane was  standing around looking amused at my panic. If he could speak he would have said "Look, she is playing in it now too. haha!"
Like most Great Danes this one liked follow me around the house with his nose up my rear, so he of course followed us to the bathroom. The little mop dog who acted more like a cat than a dog just stared at us amused. He was not about to get near that tub though. I put my son down while the bath water ran I debated about who to bathe first. I opted for the dog as I could hose him off with the shower head faster and let him dry while I bathed my son in the tub. 

The story get's better though.

 With a Dane snout up my fanny, holding a dirty baby in one arm and dragging the mop dog by the collar across the floor, (thus leaving streaks across the floor) I was getting upset fast.  I placed my son in his walker where I could see him in the kitchen. I wiped off his hands while holding the little dog snug between my legs. The Dane (who thank God, was NOT about to get dirty) was on the floor staring at me all doe eyed. After wiping my son down I placed the little dog in the tub covered in suds. In a flash my son escapes his walker again and finds the gallon jug of oil I mentioned earlier. I hear him slapping in it and giggling and then I hear "GLUG GLUG GLUG" I leaped from the bathroom with a wet dog in my arms and slide across the kitchen floor on oil and bust my butt. The Dane, naturally slides right behind me and also busts his own rear. My son is sitting in the corner mixing his brownish, greenish liquid covered hands with the yellow-ish oil that is now covering the floor, both dogs, him and myself.  Not to mention the walker, my walls, the carpet and pretty much anything knee high was covered or at the very least splattered with oil and foreign liquid.
During my slide across the floor I had my mouth open in an attempted yell, when this mixture of oil and foreign liquid met my face in mid air. It in no way made for a beautiful marriage.
 I was gagging and horrified. This was the worst moment of my life! Outside of that onetime my son left me FOREVER unclean that is.
After a few slippery attempts to stand back up with the wet and oily dog in my arms, I gave up.
I let the mop dog go and he ran around rubbing his wet nasty self on my carpets and walls.

"Get it together!" I told myself. I took a deep breath and after surveying that everyone (though nasty as could be) was safe, I crawled over to the cabinet. I grabbed the dog treats and tossed them in the tub. Both dogs got in with no problems. Well, the first half of the Dane got in with no problems. It took a hardy shove to get the later half of him in the tub. I then gathered the bath chair for my son to sit up in and placed him in it next to the dogs.  I turned on the shower head and we all stood and/or sat in the tub being sprayed off while I broke down to cry.

I was so upset, who the heck does this happen too? Why me? I am a failure as a mom. I only have one kid, and this is the kind of mess I am capable of getting myself into?

Dear moms,
 Yes, one kid or many there will be days like this. They can even be worse than this.
There will be better days though too. If/When you find yourself in this place remember to turn on the shower and cry. It's okay.

After hosing down, soaping up and rinsing everyone off properly, I gathered all our towels (that I just washed and folded,) and dried everyone. I put fresh powder and a pamper on my son and laid him in his crib with a bottle. Then I threw more treats in the bathroom for the dogs to enjoy and they continued rubbing, rolling and shaking themselves dry in the bathroom. I scrubbed this mysterious pile with some baking soda and water. I opened the windows, wiped down the walls and all other surfaces afflicted by this awful mess. Then I mopped the kitchen floor and cried some more. It took about an hour to get my house tidy again. It took me the rest of the day to recover though.  I blew up my hubby's phone about the terrible horrible no good, very bad moment.
Needless to say he had a good laugh at my expense reading the text messages. 

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